WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.
*****
So I had lots to say the other day (Friday) but didn't have the time to sit down and write it out and now it seems that I'm semi-blank. Don't worry though, give me a minute and it'll all start rolling out of me. Lol.
So Friday I had my follow-up appointment to "confirm" the miscarriage. Personally I don't really feel right calling it a miscarriage at this point. I no longer feel like I lost a pregnancy but more like I feel like my body's betraying me. I don't feel any grief and honestly I thought about going back and editing the posts that I have already written to take out the whole "grieving" parts, but I feel right in doing so, I would be saying that my feelings during that short time weren't valid, when they were. I just don't agree or validate those feelings any longer. I felt that way in the time but I feel completely opposite now. You could say that my "logical" side has kicked in finally. Took a bit longer than normal, but logic is what's driving me. So having said that, logic tells me that there never was a baby growing so there's nothing to grieve over. My first miscarriage was definitely hard because there was a living fetus with a heartbeat that I had seen, that died. This time around, there never was a fetus, so there's no reason to grieve. Like I have said in the past, I don't process things through emotions so much as I do logic and this is normal for me.
I did grieve. I had to. You grieve for the idea of what may have been. But honestly, God has a plan for all of us and we just have to trust that he knows what he's doing and that all will be as it should be in the end. I am not a deeply religious person, but I do have faith. And my faith tells me to trust in Him. And I do. Times like this just prove why you have to. I am a big believer in Fate. We have paths that are layed before us that are affected by choices that we make (or are made for us) and that in the end, it's all as it should be. I'll leave the faith talk at that. So here I am - no longer grieving. I'm not sad when I see pregnant people or babies. I'm okay. I promise.
But I am mad. I'm mad because I feel like my body's failed me. Not in the sense that it didn't successfully grow the baby it should have, but the fact that it can't (or won't) do what it's supposed to. That despite my body starting to bleed and "flush" three days prior, as of Friday it showed no signs of cleansing itself of the embryonic sac. How frustrating is that? I don't feel like a D&C is right for me. I don't. I know it's pretty routine now, but I just don't feel that a procedure that's that invasive to your body (and also the same procedure used in early abortions) is right for me unless it's an absolute last resort, that honestly could be a life or death decision (for me). I refuse to do it unless it's to that point. I know that most people don't/won't agree with this thinking, but it feels absolutely wrong to me. It's not natural (granted a lot of things aren't) but it's more than that. It's the SAME PROCEDURE USED FOR ABORTIONS. This fact alone stirs up the feeling of "this isn't right, don't do it". But it's also more than that. It's the fact that they force your cervix open (if it's not already open) and then proceed. That's another thing that just screams "DON'T DO IT!!!!" to me.
Now don't get me wrong, last night I was wavering on my convictions about this. But more so for the fact of simplifying things. As it stands, I'm supposed to take a prescription for misoprostol tomorrow night. Why tomorrow night and not right away? Well...my OB's practice doesn't use misoprostol, they just automatically do a D&C. My OB even asked if he could prescribe it for me because I was asking for it and knew the risks (excessive bleeding to the point I might need to go to the ER). They said no, they don't do it. My OB realized (without me saying so) that I was basically going to look elsewhere for this option and he decided to compromise with me. He wrote the prescription with the promise that I wouldn't take it until Tuesday night so that if I did have a bad reaction and did end up needing to go to the ER due to excessive bleeding, that he would be the OB on call and would be responsible for me. I have much respect for a doctor that's willing to do what's best for his/her patient even though it goes against what others tell them to do. I knew I liked my OB. :) So following the misoprostol, I have a follow-up ultrasound at the hospital on June 2nd (at the hospital because my OB's office's ultrasound tech will be on vacation for over a week) and then follow up with my OB on the 3rd to check the results to see if my uterus is completely empty. If it's not, then I have to do a D&C because at that point my health will be at stake. I'm okay with this.
So I have mixed feelings. I haven't filled the prescription for the misoprostol yet. I probably should because last time around, my previous OB told me it might be hard to get filled quickly. It wasn't, but it could be. I'm hoping I won't have to take it, but I'm thinking I need to take it to play it "safe". I *think* I may have "flushed" everything out this morning, but it's hard to know. I wasn't going fishing in the toilet to find out. Yup, gross TMI post. Can't say I didn't warn you! So I'm debating with myself as to if I should get the prescription filled and take it tomorrow night. I guess I'll just have to see what feels right. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it.
These are the ramblings of one woman on her journey to go from fat to fit, NOT fat to thin. There will be a little bit of this and that thrown in occasionally, so excuse the clutter of the mind going on in this blog!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wednesday, 05/18/11
WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.
*****
I was doing okay today emotionally up until just a few minutes ago. It's been a physically rough day filled with lots of horrible back spasms/cramps off and on all day long. Hormones seemed to be okay and I didn't feel depressed or anything...until my mom called me.
I didn't answer when she called and just let her leave a message. I didn't want to talk to her unless I had to. Her message was that she needed to talk to me and to call her back. Unfortunately, with everything that's going on with other members of my extended family, and the empty message, I ended up calling her back to make sure it wasn't something that couldn't be ignored. It turns out that she (somehow) just realized that my doctor's appointment wasn't for this (coming up) Friday but had been for last Friday and wanted to know why I didn't call her like I had said I would. Well, I had told both my mom and sister that I would let them know after my appointment if it was a viable pregnancy or not. It's Wednesday evening and this is the first that either one of them has asked. I haven't talked to my sister since last Thursday, but I spoke to my mom on both Saturday and Sunday and she didn't ask. So anyways, I responded to her question with the fact that I didn't call because I didn't want to talk. Thankfully this alone was enough for her to realize it was bad news. I was very short and kind of curt with my answers and thankfully she got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. Well, that and the fact that I told her there's nothing to talk about. I don't want to talk to her about it. She'd never understand the way I feel and so I don't see the point in talking about it with her.
Thankfully all she really said about it was that she was sorry. Thankfully none of the stupid things people say after a loss. And you know we're all guilty of saying something stupid to someone after they've experienced a loss. We've all had that dumb moment. Thankfully, this wasn't one of those. I don't think I could have handled that right now.
I feel a bit conflicted right now. I could tell that my mom wanted to talk to me, but knew not to push it (another thing I'm thankful for). I could also tell that she was sad and (what sounded like) starting to cry. I don't know why but this makes me mad. Like she doesn't have the right to be sad enough to cry. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It's irrational. It's grief. Grief is never rational. So I feel conflicted that I felt irritated that she became sad.
So I was fine up until this phone call. I am an extremely private person and I don't share my vulnerabilities with many, and that includes close family. Hell, I still don't share them with my husband most of the time. It's nothing against him. I love him and I trust him, but that's just not me. This is just the way that I am. I don't put my vulnerabilities out there. I guess that comes from being in two emotionally abusive relationships in my younger years (one with a relative and one with a now former significant other). That's just my best guess though.
So yesterday was a horrible day for me emtionally. My hormones seemed to have gone crazy and I spent the first half of the day crying (or trying not to) for various reasons, and the second half I was moody and irritable at times combined with horrible back aches. I won't go further into how I felt yesterday mainly because at this point it's starting to become blurry.
I will say that I did decide yesterday that I am not going to worry or even think about my weight or journey for now. I'm going to keep an eye on on my weight and as long as I don't start gaining, then I'm not going to worry about any of it right now and just focus on healing the ache in my heart and soul. If I eat, I eat and I don't care if I'm healing with crappy food choices. I'm grieving and I don't care. I'm not letting myself go, but I am letting myself grieve in whatever way works for me. And right now that is by not worrying and obsessing and feeling guilty over everyting I eat or drink (or don't eat or drink). I have bigger things to focus on right now and that is healing.
It's hard for me to grieve and to even rationalize my grief. I am typically a very logic driven person and not an emtionally driven person as most people are. Logic tells me there's no real reason to grieve. I knew that miscarriage was a chance and that was the reason that 1) I waited until later to have a first OB appointment and 2) we didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. Logic also tells me that this time, unlike my last miscarriage, there wasn't actually a fetus to mourn. There never was a baby this time around. I'm mourning the "idea" of the pregnancy versus losing a pregnancy, or so it feels when I think about it. I don't know what hurts worse - the pregnancy that I lost a living fetus that died, or this one because I know that there never was anything developing to lose. Logic seems to be my own worst enemy this time around. Typically I grieve when someone is lost, but my "grief" is very brief. I mourn their loss, but I focus on celebrating their life. How can I mourn someone that never had a life to celebrate? Like I said, logic is not on my side this time and that's what makes this grieving process so much harder for me.
And then there's the feeling that your body has failed you. Any woman who has ever experienced a miscarriage has felt that their body has failed them. They wonder what they could have done better. They second guess everything they've done from the (unknown) moment of conception, and even before. Logically (there it is again) I knew from the moment of the positive pregnancy test that this pregnancy would have to be a miracle to be a viable and successful pregnancy. So for me my range of possible conception date was from March 18th to March 26th. On March 25th I had a pelvic x-ray for my lower back. On March 28th I had a shot of cortisone. On March 29th I started a 16 day dose of prednisone that I finished on April 13th. Between the 29th of March and the time I got the positive pregnancy test I had taken high doses of both tylenol and ibuprofen daily. I got my BFP on the 17th of April. So like I said, I knew the deck was stacked against this pregnancy from the start. That doesn't make me feel any better though.
*****
I was doing okay today emotionally up until just a few minutes ago. It's been a physically rough day filled with lots of horrible back spasms/cramps off and on all day long. Hormones seemed to be okay and I didn't feel depressed or anything...until my mom called me.
I didn't answer when she called and just let her leave a message. I didn't want to talk to her unless I had to. Her message was that she needed to talk to me and to call her back. Unfortunately, with everything that's going on with other members of my extended family, and the empty message, I ended up calling her back to make sure it wasn't something that couldn't be ignored. It turns out that she (somehow) just realized that my doctor's appointment wasn't for this (coming up) Friday but had been for last Friday and wanted to know why I didn't call her like I had said I would. Well, I had told both my mom and sister that I would let them know after my appointment if it was a viable pregnancy or not. It's Wednesday evening and this is the first that either one of them has asked. I haven't talked to my sister since last Thursday, but I spoke to my mom on both Saturday and Sunday and she didn't ask. So anyways, I responded to her question with the fact that I didn't call because I didn't want to talk. Thankfully this alone was enough for her to realize it was bad news. I was very short and kind of curt with my answers and thankfully she got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. Well, that and the fact that I told her there's nothing to talk about. I don't want to talk to her about it. She'd never understand the way I feel and so I don't see the point in talking about it with her.
Thankfully all she really said about it was that she was sorry. Thankfully none of the stupid things people say after a loss. And you know we're all guilty of saying something stupid to someone after they've experienced a loss. We've all had that dumb moment. Thankfully, this wasn't one of those. I don't think I could have handled that right now.
I feel a bit conflicted right now. I could tell that my mom wanted to talk to me, but knew not to push it (another thing I'm thankful for). I could also tell that she was sad and (what sounded like) starting to cry. I don't know why but this makes me mad. Like she doesn't have the right to be sad enough to cry. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It's irrational. It's grief. Grief is never rational. So I feel conflicted that I felt irritated that she became sad.
So I was fine up until this phone call. I am an extremely private person and I don't share my vulnerabilities with many, and that includes close family. Hell, I still don't share them with my husband most of the time. It's nothing against him. I love him and I trust him, but that's just not me. This is just the way that I am. I don't put my vulnerabilities out there. I guess that comes from being in two emotionally abusive relationships in my younger years (one with a relative and one with a now former significant other). That's just my best guess though.
So yesterday was a horrible day for me emtionally. My hormones seemed to have gone crazy and I spent the first half of the day crying (or trying not to) for various reasons, and the second half I was moody and irritable at times combined with horrible back aches. I won't go further into how I felt yesterday mainly because at this point it's starting to become blurry.
I will say that I did decide yesterday that I am not going to worry or even think about my weight or journey for now. I'm going to keep an eye on on my weight and as long as I don't start gaining, then I'm not going to worry about any of it right now and just focus on healing the ache in my heart and soul. If I eat, I eat and I don't care if I'm healing with crappy food choices. I'm grieving and I don't care. I'm not letting myself go, but I am letting myself grieve in whatever way works for me. And right now that is by not worrying and obsessing and feeling guilty over everyting I eat or drink (or don't eat or drink). I have bigger things to focus on right now and that is healing.
It's hard for me to grieve and to even rationalize my grief. I am typically a very logic driven person and not an emtionally driven person as most people are. Logic tells me there's no real reason to grieve. I knew that miscarriage was a chance and that was the reason that 1) I waited until later to have a first OB appointment and 2) we didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. Logic also tells me that this time, unlike my last miscarriage, there wasn't actually a fetus to mourn. There never was a baby this time around. I'm mourning the "idea" of the pregnancy versus losing a pregnancy, or so it feels when I think about it. I don't know what hurts worse - the pregnancy that I lost a living fetus that died, or this one because I know that there never was anything developing to lose. Logic seems to be my own worst enemy this time around. Typically I grieve when someone is lost, but my "grief" is very brief. I mourn their loss, but I focus on celebrating their life. How can I mourn someone that never had a life to celebrate? Like I said, logic is not on my side this time and that's what makes this grieving process so much harder for me.
And then there's the feeling that your body has failed you. Any woman who has ever experienced a miscarriage has felt that their body has failed them. They wonder what they could have done better. They second guess everything they've done from the (unknown) moment of conception, and even before. Logically (there it is again) I knew from the moment of the positive pregnancy test that this pregnancy would have to be a miracle to be a viable and successful pregnancy. So for me my range of possible conception date was from March 18th to March 26th. On March 25th I had a pelvic x-ray for my lower back. On March 28th I had a shot of cortisone. On March 29th I started a 16 day dose of prednisone that I finished on April 13th. Between the 29th of March and the time I got the positive pregnancy test I had taken high doses of both tylenol and ibuprofen daily. I got my BFP on the 17th of April. So like I said, I knew the deck was stacked against this pregnancy from the start. That doesn't make me feel any better though.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, 05/16/11
WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.
*****
I feel okay. I don't feel depressed. I'm just waiting for all of this to be over with. Just hoping that nature will take it's course on it's own. I know that D&C's have become quite routine, but for me, that's the last option. I don't feel that it would be a good choice for me and my body. Like I said, just hoping nature will do it's thing before Friday.
I feel okay emotionally but physically I just don't feel right. I feel blah and still don't want to eat most of the time. The hubs and I are still dealing with fallout from close family members that we entered into a financial arrangement with that was supposed to be mutually beneficial to all parties involved. We're still dealing with the fallout and backlash from this poor decision. Everything should be fine soon, but not for another couple of weeks. I also was told today (in a casual conversation) that apparently I won't be watching my niece here soon because (among other reasons) I'm pregnant. I was so pissed off at the person telling me this that I told him/her that I'm not pregnant, that I had a miscarriage. First time I've spoken those words aloud to anyone and it's the last damn person I would have chosen. I had to fight from telling him/her to take my niece and leave because if I'm not good enough to keep watching her if I have another child, then I don't care to help them out and watch her now. It took all of my will not to shove them out the door. I feel used. I feel like the only reason I'm watching her is because it was convenient and not because they trust or prefer her being with me. I offered to watch her so that her parents could trust who she was with while they were working. I now just feel used. I'm tired of "helping" people out and just ending up feeling used in the end and not appreciated.
So before all this happened this morning, I was off to a good start. I took my vitamins, started drinking my water and had eaten a decent breakfast. After all this stupid crap this morning, I didn't eat lunch and as of right now haven't eaten dinner (7:30pm). I have, however, ate too many Pringles, some more of my mocha thing from DQ and some random chocolate chips here and there.
I really find it ironic that while I'm dissapointed in suffering another miscarriage, that it's this family drama stuff that's upsetting me. The hubs and I have both come to the agreement that we won't be helping any family with anything anytime soon. We're tired of getting used and burned by those we help out. Unfortunately, we can't breathe a sigh of relief until this crap settles (at least on our end of it) for another couple of weeks. For us though (I can't speak for the other parties and their plans), there's finally a secure plan in place and we're not fretting with worry all the time. I can't wait until it stops affecting our day to day life with stress.
By the way, I haven't exercised today, and I think I'm going to wait until after the miscarriage is complete to get moving really. So, no clue when that will be, but probably another week or two for sure. I'll just focus on eating well as much as possible.
*****
I feel okay. I don't feel depressed. I'm just waiting for all of this to be over with. Just hoping that nature will take it's course on it's own. I know that D&C's have become quite routine, but for me, that's the last option. I don't feel that it would be a good choice for me and my body. Like I said, just hoping nature will do it's thing before Friday.
I feel okay emotionally but physically I just don't feel right. I feel blah and still don't want to eat most of the time. The hubs and I are still dealing with fallout from close family members that we entered into a financial arrangement with that was supposed to be mutually beneficial to all parties involved. We're still dealing with the fallout and backlash from this poor decision. Everything should be fine soon, but not for another couple of weeks. I also was told today (in a casual conversation) that apparently I won't be watching my niece here soon because (among other reasons) I'm pregnant. I was so pissed off at the person telling me this that I told him/her that I'm not pregnant, that I had a miscarriage. First time I've spoken those words aloud to anyone and it's the last damn person I would have chosen. I had to fight from telling him/her to take my niece and leave because if I'm not good enough to keep watching her if I have another child, then I don't care to help them out and watch her now. It took all of my will not to shove them out the door. I feel used. I feel like the only reason I'm watching her is because it was convenient and not because they trust or prefer her being with me. I offered to watch her so that her parents could trust who she was with while they were working. I now just feel used. I'm tired of "helping" people out and just ending up feeling used in the end and not appreciated.
So before all this happened this morning, I was off to a good start. I took my vitamins, started drinking my water and had eaten a decent breakfast. After all this stupid crap this morning, I didn't eat lunch and as of right now haven't eaten dinner (7:30pm). I have, however, ate too many Pringles, some more of my mocha thing from DQ and some random chocolate chips here and there.
I really find it ironic that while I'm dissapointed in suffering another miscarriage, that it's this family drama stuff that's upsetting me. The hubs and I have both come to the agreement that we won't be helping any family with anything anytime soon. We're tired of getting used and burned by those we help out. Unfortunately, we can't breathe a sigh of relief until this crap settles (at least on our end of it) for another couple of weeks. For us though (I can't speak for the other parties and their plans), there's finally a secure plan in place and we're not fretting with worry all the time. I can't wait until it stops affecting our day to day life with stress.
By the way, I haven't exercised today, and I think I'm going to wait until after the miscarriage is complete to get moving really. So, no clue when that will be, but probably another week or two for sure. I'll just focus on eating well as much as possible.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sunday, 05/15/11
WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.
*****
192.8 was my weight this morning. It's a good number. It means that I didn't gain any weight while eating poorly for the past month. This is good.
So today has been a family day. The hubs cooked breakfast for the family: pancakes, bacon and eggs. Yum! I had my two pancakes with sugar-free syrup (like I always do) and two pieces of bacon and some scrambled eggs (about the amount of 2 eggs) with a glass of milk. Overall, not a bad breakfast. Skipped lunch since breakfast was around 11:30am. Dinner's about to be a chicken fried rice meal kit. Yup, one of those bad for you meals in a box. Oh well. It's lower calorie and it's a hit with three out of four in the household. I did snack on some Pringles and two fruit strips (45 calories each). So I'm not eating horribly, but it could be improved on. Oh, I should say I didn't do bad until we hit up Dairy Queen. Lol. Dairy Queen is a rare treat for us so I don't mind splurging.
We continued the family time by taking the kids to the beach. The temperature was about 80 degrees with a forecast of scattered thunderstorms although there wasn't a storm/rain cloud in sight until around 3pm. So off we went to the beach. It was nice. We walked along and the kids played in the water (just their legs because the water's still freezing) and the sand. It was a nice relaxing day. We had planned to follow this with an ice cream cone from McDonald's but their machine wasn't working so we headed to Dairy Queen. I wasn't able to order what I had asked for (they apparently were out of several items) and ended up with an Oreo brownie sundae. Yummy but oh so bad for you. I also order a mocha something or other. Lol. I had a couple sips of that and it's currently in the freezer to be enjoyed at a later time.
No exercise for today, but that's okay because I didn't plan on getting any in today. Like I said earlier, we did some walking around on the beach. Casual, but movement none-the-less.
I'm doing okay emotionally. It still sucks and I still have to tell my mom and my sister the news. They're the only people who knew other than the hubs' coworkers (he told them because he needed time off for me to go to the doctor). I've talked to my mom twice since I went to the doctor and she hasn't brought it up and neither have I. She knew I had the appointment on Friday morning, so I'm assuming that she isn't asking because she suspects it was bad news and I'll tell her when I'm ready. I haven't talked to my sister either and she also knew about the appointment. I'm assuming the same thing with her. I'm really hoping that neither one of them asks me about it right now because I just don't feel like talking about it. I feel fine. I don't feel depressed. I just don't want to talk about it. I've had my crying and getting upset and I've moved on. Dwelling on it won't change anything. Sometimes you just have to have faith that there's a bigger picture in play that we just can't see the next part of it and have faith that it will be what it's supposed to be.
My goals for this week are: Drink 64 ounces of water each day. Limit myself to one soda per day (I've been splurging lately due to what I would assume is hormones). Try to fit in 30 minutes of activity per day. Any sort of activity will do. Starting back small and going from there.
*****
192.8 was my weight this morning. It's a good number. It means that I didn't gain any weight while eating poorly for the past month. This is good.
So today has been a family day. The hubs cooked breakfast for the family: pancakes, bacon and eggs. Yum! I had my two pancakes with sugar-free syrup (like I always do) and two pieces of bacon and some scrambled eggs (about the amount of 2 eggs) with a glass of milk. Overall, not a bad breakfast. Skipped lunch since breakfast was around 11:30am. Dinner's about to be a chicken fried rice meal kit. Yup, one of those bad for you meals in a box. Oh well. It's lower calorie and it's a hit with three out of four in the household. I did snack on some Pringles and two fruit strips (45 calories each). So I'm not eating horribly, but it could be improved on. Oh, I should say I didn't do bad until we hit up Dairy Queen. Lol. Dairy Queen is a rare treat for us so I don't mind splurging.
We continued the family time by taking the kids to the beach. The temperature was about 80 degrees with a forecast of scattered thunderstorms although there wasn't a storm/rain cloud in sight until around 3pm. So off we went to the beach. It was nice. We walked along and the kids played in the water (just their legs because the water's still freezing) and the sand. It was a nice relaxing day. We had planned to follow this with an ice cream cone from McDonald's but their machine wasn't working so we headed to Dairy Queen. I wasn't able to order what I had asked for (they apparently were out of several items) and ended up with an Oreo brownie sundae. Yummy but oh so bad for you. I also order a mocha something or other. Lol. I had a couple sips of that and it's currently in the freezer to be enjoyed at a later time.
No exercise for today, but that's okay because I didn't plan on getting any in today. Like I said earlier, we did some walking around on the beach. Casual, but movement none-the-less.
I'm doing okay emotionally. It still sucks and I still have to tell my mom and my sister the news. They're the only people who knew other than the hubs' coworkers (he told them because he needed time off for me to go to the doctor). I've talked to my mom twice since I went to the doctor and she hasn't brought it up and neither have I. She knew I had the appointment on Friday morning, so I'm assuming that she isn't asking because she suspects it was bad news and I'll tell her when I'm ready. I haven't talked to my sister either and she also knew about the appointment. I'm assuming the same thing with her. I'm really hoping that neither one of them asks me about it right now because I just don't feel like talking about it. I feel fine. I don't feel depressed. I just don't want to talk about it. I've had my crying and getting upset and I've moved on. Dwelling on it won't change anything. Sometimes you just have to have faith that there's a bigger picture in play that we just can't see the next part of it and have faith that it will be what it's supposed to be.
My goals for this week are: Drink 64 ounces of water each day. Limit myself to one soda per day (I've been splurging lately due to what I would assume is hormones). Try to fit in 30 minutes of activity per day. Any sort of activity will do. Starting back small and going from there.
NOTICE: Sunday, 05/15/11
Due to personal reasons, I'm still going to be blogging about my journey, but won't be actually posting them publicly for an undetermined amount of time. I'll post them publicly when I'm ready. They'll still be titled with the actual day they are written, but like I said, they won't be posted until a later time. I'm looking to post them pubically probably no later than 4 weeks from now.
Wish me luck continuing my journey during this time. And my current weight, as of this morning is 192.8 lbs. :)
Wish me luck continuing my journey during this time. And my current weight, as of this morning is 192.8 lbs. :)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Saturday, 05/14/11
WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.
*****
This post is being written on the date labeled but won't appear in published posts until a later date for reasons to be understood after reading. Also, this post has lot of personal information so you may not wish to read it.
Current weight: 193.0 today.
I haven't been actively tracking my weight, and I haven't taken measurements since 04/17/11 but am back to actively tracking. I also haven't been exercising or trying to lose any further weight. Honestly, I've been doing good to eat several meals a day versus not eating at all.
So you're probably asking yourself what happened to make all this change for me. Well, on the 17th of April I got a BFP (big fat positive) on a home pregnancy test. So I stopped "dieting", measuring and actively weighing. I've still been weighing, but haven't been "obsessed by the scale". I've kept an eye on it, but that's all. I was doing good to eat much since I had some food aversions. I would be fine, but then the sight or smell of a food would just make it unable for me to eat it. I also didn't have an appetite at all. I wasn't hungry at all, and it's hard to force yourself to eat when you're not hungry in the slightest. So I tried to make healthy choices, but honestly when it came down to it, if it got food in my belly, I ate it. Definitely not a lot of the best choices being made during this time.
Exercise was stopped. I have had a miscarriage in the past, and was paranoid and didn't want to do ANYTHING that might attribute to a possible miscarriage. So I didn't exercise at all despite having just gotten some new exercise dvds in the mail that I really wanted to try out.
I happened to find out that I was pregnant on the very same day that I was informed that there might be some possible drama with my daughter and that was stressful. AND on top of that, on that very same evening as both of those things, my daughter happened to say that she didn't want us to have any more children beyond her and my son. That our family was perfect the way that it was. Talk about being stressed out. I didn't even tell my husband for almost a week because I didn't want him to know I was pregnant in case I had a miscarriage again. I didn't want to break his heart if it went south. I was planning to shoulder the burden (if it came to that) all by myself to save him from hurting. I had all of these things stressing me out and I caved in and told him almost a week after I found out.
So this brings me now to the present. I put off going to the doctor after finding out I was pregnant because I didn't want to go through the crap that I went through during the first trimester for my last two pregnancies (my son, and the miscarriage I had before him at around 10 weeks). There was a lot of stress and drama with those two pregnancies. The miscarriage pregnancy, I went in around 8 weeks and they did a basic checkup. To confirm dates they did an ultrasound within the next week. As far as I knew, everything was fine. We saw the heartbeat too. I started to spot (only two small spots of bright red blood) and called the doctor. I just knew. I was able to get my sister to come and watch my nephew (whom I was watching for my sister-in-law, and my daughter was at school) and off I went to the doctor to have an ultrasound. There was no longer a heartbeat. Talk about heartbreaking. I had options since it was a "missed" miscarraige. Wait for my body to realize it no longer carried a viable pregnancy and wait for it to expell the "products of conception" (they told me I could safely wait up to four weeks before my body might realize it needed to expell everything). I could have a D&C, or I could get some medication that they would put on my cervix to dilate it and cause my body to abort everything, followed by a dose of medication 12 hours later to tell my body to close back up. I chose the medication. I felt that it was the quickest and best option for me at the time. So I left the doctor's with a presciption and was told to call once I found a pharmacy that could fill it. I think I was able to go back the next day and have the medication placed so my body could expell everything. I then had to go back two weeks later to have my HCG hormone level tested to make sure it was back to normal and then I had to go back again in two more weeks to have some other medication prescribed so that my body would resume normal monthly cycles since it hadn't already done so on it's own. Talk about a long drawn out miscarriage. It broke my heart every time I had to keep going back to that OB's office and see all the happy chipper pregnant ladies. I found out after all of this that my first ultrasound had shown a heartbeat (as I saw), but it was "weak". A weak heartbeat is almost always an early signed of a failed pregnancy. I was livid that they didn't say anything. I would have rather have prepared for the worst and gotten the best, instead of having been relieved to see a heartbeat only to miscarry. Typically your rate of miscarriage drops down to very miniscule percentage after seeing/hearing a heartbeat.
The pregnancy that resulted in my son was a horrible and very stressful first trimester. I was paranoid about a miscarriage since my last pregnancy resulted in one. I went in to the OB's (same one I used for the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage) and they drew blood to test my HCG levels and progesterone levels. I went back a few days later to have the HCG level tested again to make sure it was still going up. Progesterone was "normal". My HCG levels were going up, so they did an ultrasound to just check things out. At this point I was thought to be about 6 weeks and they wanted to see if they could find a heartbeat. Instead I left there with a referral to the local hospital to have a high level ultrasound the following Monday (I believe it was Friday that I was in the OB's office) to rule out a suspected ectopic pregnancy. So not only wasn't there any confirmation of a healthy pregnancy, now there's a chance that the pregnancy might have to be aborted due to it being ectopic. That weekend was horrrible, only to be made worse by my sister having found out that she was (suprisingly) pregnant and she was nothing but bubbly about it (and yes, she knew what was going on with my pregnancy, but since her pregnancy was so unexpected it's believed that she was in her own little bubble while I was praying that I even had a viable pregnancy. I'll admit that I personally wanted to strangle her during this time). So I had the high level ultrasound at the hospital and had to wait until the next day to get the results through my OB. There was no sign of a heartbeat on the ultrasound at the hospital. I went to the OB's the next morning and got complained about to the doctor by the intake nurse because I was pissy with her when she took my weight and blood pressure. She was asking me how excited I was to be pregnant. I just wanted to smack the crap out of her because, as I told her, I was there to learn if my pregnancy was even viable or not. Don't they make notations in the chart or something? I finally get with the OB and come to find out, it's not ectopic, it was just a "shadow" the OB's ultrasound tech saw. I'm measuring about almost 6 weeks at this point. I'm scheduled to come back in two weeks to check for a heartbeat. At around 8 weeks, we have a nice strong heartbeat verified via ultrasound. I don't breathe the first sigh of relief until I make it past 10 weeks pregnant. I really don't relax until I'm almost 4 months pregnant and I can feel my baby moving around daily. Thankfully I have my wonderful son from this stressful pregnancy.
So this again brings me back to current. I got a postive pregnancy test on the 17th of April. I had no intentions of going to the doctor until a point where I could find out definitely if I had a viable pregnancy or not. I eventually scheduled an appointment for the 13th of May. I should be about 9-1/2 weeks along. I started spotting on the morning of the 13th. Nothing major, but as I tell the intake nurse, that was my only sign of a missed miscarriage with my second pregnancy. There was LOTS of back and forth, but they sent me in to the ultrasound tech. I didn't have to be told anything, I could see for myself. I have experienced another "missed" miscarriage. In my uterus I have an empty embryonic sac - no baby. Nothing. The tech's not allowed to say anything, and I didn't have to ask. I then go back to the intake nurse, which sends me to have my blood pressure checked and then I'm sent off to wait for my OB to be available. BTW, I switched OB's at around 6 months pregnant with my son, and the one I had at the end was wonderful. This is the OB I'm seeing on this day. I wait in the lobby (where they filter people between labs and seeing the doctor) and try not to think. I go to the OB's office and he talks to me and tries to say that there's a chance for hope. I ask him straightforward questions about the few things I have questions about. He follows this talk with a quick check of my cervix, which is closed. Good for a "hope" of a viable pregnancy, bad for a chance at a natural miscarriage. We follow this with a quick chat again and I have blood drawn to check the HCG level to see if meshes with the ultrasound. It won't. I would have to be only 3-4 weeks along at max for the ultrasound to show what it did and that's not possible since I tested positive just shy of 4 weeks ago. I go back on the 20th to have a follow-up ultrasound and then to have a D&C if my body hasn't taken care of things. My poor husband was told via text message while I was waiting to see the OB. I couldn't bring myself to have to tell him in person again. I leave and get to my car and cry. I am heartbroken that I have been unfortunate enough to now have had two miscarriages that would have been very much wanted pregnancies, and to make matters worse, missed miscarriages both times. I let myself cry and then compose myself. I start to drive home and breakdown again. I try to compose myself so that my husband won't worry about me when I get home. He's there watching our son. He's supposed to go in to work once I get home. I get home and despite trying to tell him that I'm okay, I start crying, which is rare. He hugs me and I ask him if I can lay down. He says he'll call work and I go upstairs to take a nap. I need to start this day over fresh. He comes up to check on me once and then I nap for a while. I get up in time to go pick up my daughter from school. My husband's doing okay. He did say he hung up on his coworker because they tried giving him a hard time about not coming in to work. He didn't get a chance to tell them why, he just hung up. He thinks they were probably just giving him a hard time, but he didn't want to deal with it. This tells me that this has upset him too. I apologize for not asking him how he was earlier. He says he's okay, but sad. Me too. I pick up my daughter from school and then we go to a movie. We went to see Rio. We all enjoyed it including our 20 month old son. We followed this with my daughter's belated birthday dinner at her favorite restaurant, Friendly's (her birthday was the weekend prior). We had planned all of this the night before, but it was a definite needed pick-me-up after the news of the morning.
So here I am, back to trying to be commited to getting in better health again. I'm going to start eating better, drinking more water and also exercising again. Now that I am not worried about miscarrying, exercise is a definite must.
*****
This post is being written on the date labeled but won't appear in published posts until a later date for reasons to be understood after reading. Also, this post has lot of personal information so you may not wish to read it.
Current weight: 193.0 today.
I haven't been actively tracking my weight, and I haven't taken measurements since 04/17/11 but am back to actively tracking. I also haven't been exercising or trying to lose any further weight. Honestly, I've been doing good to eat several meals a day versus not eating at all.
So you're probably asking yourself what happened to make all this change for me. Well, on the 17th of April I got a BFP (big fat positive) on a home pregnancy test. So I stopped "dieting", measuring and actively weighing. I've still been weighing, but haven't been "obsessed by the scale". I've kept an eye on it, but that's all. I was doing good to eat much since I had some food aversions. I would be fine, but then the sight or smell of a food would just make it unable for me to eat it. I also didn't have an appetite at all. I wasn't hungry at all, and it's hard to force yourself to eat when you're not hungry in the slightest. So I tried to make healthy choices, but honestly when it came down to it, if it got food in my belly, I ate it. Definitely not a lot of the best choices being made during this time.
Exercise was stopped. I have had a miscarriage in the past, and was paranoid and didn't want to do ANYTHING that might attribute to a possible miscarriage. So I didn't exercise at all despite having just gotten some new exercise dvds in the mail that I really wanted to try out.
I happened to find out that I was pregnant on the very same day that I was informed that there might be some possible drama with my daughter and that was stressful. AND on top of that, on that very same evening as both of those things, my daughter happened to say that she didn't want us to have any more children beyond her and my son. That our family was perfect the way that it was. Talk about being stressed out. I didn't even tell my husband for almost a week because I didn't want him to know I was pregnant in case I had a miscarriage again. I didn't want to break his heart if it went south. I was planning to shoulder the burden (if it came to that) all by myself to save him from hurting. I had all of these things stressing me out and I caved in and told him almost a week after I found out.
So this brings me now to the present. I put off going to the doctor after finding out I was pregnant because I didn't want to go through the crap that I went through during the first trimester for my last two pregnancies (my son, and the miscarriage I had before him at around 10 weeks). There was a lot of stress and drama with those two pregnancies. The miscarriage pregnancy, I went in around 8 weeks and they did a basic checkup. To confirm dates they did an ultrasound within the next week. As far as I knew, everything was fine. We saw the heartbeat too. I started to spot (only two small spots of bright red blood) and called the doctor. I just knew. I was able to get my sister to come and watch my nephew (whom I was watching for my sister-in-law, and my daughter was at school) and off I went to the doctor to have an ultrasound. There was no longer a heartbeat. Talk about heartbreaking. I had options since it was a "missed" miscarraige. Wait for my body to realize it no longer carried a viable pregnancy and wait for it to expell the "products of conception" (they told me I could safely wait up to four weeks before my body might realize it needed to expell everything). I could have a D&C, or I could get some medication that they would put on my cervix to dilate it and cause my body to abort everything, followed by a dose of medication 12 hours later to tell my body to close back up. I chose the medication. I felt that it was the quickest and best option for me at the time. So I left the doctor's with a presciption and was told to call once I found a pharmacy that could fill it. I think I was able to go back the next day and have the medication placed so my body could expell everything. I then had to go back two weeks later to have my HCG hormone level tested to make sure it was back to normal and then I had to go back again in two more weeks to have some other medication prescribed so that my body would resume normal monthly cycles since it hadn't already done so on it's own. Talk about a long drawn out miscarriage. It broke my heart every time I had to keep going back to that OB's office and see all the happy chipper pregnant ladies. I found out after all of this that my first ultrasound had shown a heartbeat (as I saw), but it was "weak". A weak heartbeat is almost always an early signed of a failed pregnancy. I was livid that they didn't say anything. I would have rather have prepared for the worst and gotten the best, instead of having been relieved to see a heartbeat only to miscarry. Typically your rate of miscarriage drops down to very miniscule percentage after seeing/hearing a heartbeat.
The pregnancy that resulted in my son was a horrible and very stressful first trimester. I was paranoid about a miscarriage since my last pregnancy resulted in one. I went in to the OB's (same one I used for the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage) and they drew blood to test my HCG levels and progesterone levels. I went back a few days later to have the HCG level tested again to make sure it was still going up. Progesterone was "normal". My HCG levels were going up, so they did an ultrasound to just check things out. At this point I was thought to be about 6 weeks and they wanted to see if they could find a heartbeat. Instead I left there with a referral to the local hospital to have a high level ultrasound the following Monday (I believe it was Friday that I was in the OB's office) to rule out a suspected ectopic pregnancy. So not only wasn't there any confirmation of a healthy pregnancy, now there's a chance that the pregnancy might have to be aborted due to it being ectopic. That weekend was horrrible, only to be made worse by my sister having found out that she was (suprisingly) pregnant and she was nothing but bubbly about it (and yes, she knew what was going on with my pregnancy, but since her pregnancy was so unexpected it's believed that she was in her own little bubble while I was praying that I even had a viable pregnancy. I'll admit that I personally wanted to strangle her during this time). So I had the high level ultrasound at the hospital and had to wait until the next day to get the results through my OB. There was no sign of a heartbeat on the ultrasound at the hospital. I went to the OB's the next morning and got complained about to the doctor by the intake nurse because I was pissy with her when she took my weight and blood pressure. She was asking me how excited I was to be pregnant. I just wanted to smack the crap out of her because, as I told her, I was there to learn if my pregnancy was even viable or not. Don't they make notations in the chart or something? I finally get with the OB and come to find out, it's not ectopic, it was just a "shadow" the OB's ultrasound tech saw. I'm measuring about almost 6 weeks at this point. I'm scheduled to come back in two weeks to check for a heartbeat. At around 8 weeks, we have a nice strong heartbeat verified via ultrasound. I don't breathe the first sigh of relief until I make it past 10 weeks pregnant. I really don't relax until I'm almost 4 months pregnant and I can feel my baby moving around daily. Thankfully I have my wonderful son from this stressful pregnancy.
So this again brings me back to current. I got a postive pregnancy test on the 17th of April. I had no intentions of going to the doctor until a point where I could find out definitely if I had a viable pregnancy or not. I eventually scheduled an appointment for the 13th of May. I should be about 9-1/2 weeks along. I started spotting on the morning of the 13th. Nothing major, but as I tell the intake nurse, that was my only sign of a missed miscarriage with my second pregnancy. There was LOTS of back and forth, but they sent me in to the ultrasound tech. I didn't have to be told anything, I could see for myself. I have experienced another "missed" miscarriage. In my uterus I have an empty embryonic sac - no baby. Nothing. The tech's not allowed to say anything, and I didn't have to ask. I then go back to the intake nurse, which sends me to have my blood pressure checked and then I'm sent off to wait for my OB to be available. BTW, I switched OB's at around 6 months pregnant with my son, and the one I had at the end was wonderful. This is the OB I'm seeing on this day. I wait in the lobby (where they filter people between labs and seeing the doctor) and try not to think. I go to the OB's office and he talks to me and tries to say that there's a chance for hope. I ask him straightforward questions about the few things I have questions about. He follows this talk with a quick check of my cervix, which is closed. Good for a "hope" of a viable pregnancy, bad for a chance at a natural miscarriage. We follow this with a quick chat again and I have blood drawn to check the HCG level to see if meshes with the ultrasound. It won't. I would have to be only 3-4 weeks along at max for the ultrasound to show what it did and that's not possible since I tested positive just shy of 4 weeks ago. I go back on the 20th to have a follow-up ultrasound and then to have a D&C if my body hasn't taken care of things. My poor husband was told via text message while I was waiting to see the OB. I couldn't bring myself to have to tell him in person again. I leave and get to my car and cry. I am heartbroken that I have been unfortunate enough to now have had two miscarriages that would have been very much wanted pregnancies, and to make matters worse, missed miscarriages both times. I let myself cry and then compose myself. I start to drive home and breakdown again. I try to compose myself so that my husband won't worry about me when I get home. He's there watching our son. He's supposed to go in to work once I get home. I get home and despite trying to tell him that I'm okay, I start crying, which is rare. He hugs me and I ask him if I can lay down. He says he'll call work and I go upstairs to take a nap. I need to start this day over fresh. He comes up to check on me once and then I nap for a while. I get up in time to go pick up my daughter from school. My husband's doing okay. He did say he hung up on his coworker because they tried giving him a hard time about not coming in to work. He didn't get a chance to tell them why, he just hung up. He thinks they were probably just giving him a hard time, but he didn't want to deal with it. This tells me that this has upset him too. I apologize for not asking him how he was earlier. He says he's okay, but sad. Me too. I pick up my daughter from school and then we go to a movie. We went to see Rio. We all enjoyed it including our 20 month old son. We followed this with my daughter's belated birthday dinner at her favorite restaurant, Friendly's (her birthday was the weekend prior). We had planned all of this the night before, but it was a definite needed pick-me-up after the news of the morning.
So here I am, back to trying to be commited to getting in better health again. I'm going to start eating better, drinking more water and also exercising again. Now that I am not worried about miscarrying, exercise is a definite must.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, 05/02/11
I haven't been logging my food as diligently the past few days. And for the past week I haven't been eating as well. I haven't pigged out, but I haven't been tracking or really overely concerned with what I'm eating. It's more along the lines of making sure I'm eating. I'm not hungry. Nope, not hungry at all. And because of that, the thought of eating just isn't appealing. I know I need to eat, so I go and look and nothing looks appealing. So then I either don't eat, or just grab something, anything that happens to actually look appealing at the time. I'm not taking in enough calories per day, and I'm definitely not drinking enough water each day. I'm going to be working on that this week along with the eating. My appetite is returning so that should help out.
I haven't been active hardly at all. My lower back injury still hurts and in fact, it may hurt more now after taking the prednisone and cortisone than it did before. It has changed some in the way it hurts and where it hurts, but it hurts bad again. And the pain is radiating out to my hips fairly bad a lot of the time. I plan to go back to the doctor and see what they say, but there's a couple of things I have to take care of before I can do that.
I'm going to try to get some activity in each day this week. I'm shooting for 10 minutes and if I can do more then it will be a good day. I'm also shooting to drink at least 64 ounces of water or flavored (sugar-free) water each day. And also to eat three meals each day. Today I'm off to a bad start because I have already "skipped" breakfast.
I haven't been active hardly at all. My lower back injury still hurts and in fact, it may hurt more now after taking the prednisone and cortisone than it did before. It has changed some in the way it hurts and where it hurts, but it hurts bad again. And the pain is radiating out to my hips fairly bad a lot of the time. I plan to go back to the doctor and see what they say, but there's a couple of things I have to take care of before I can do that.
I'm going to try to get some activity in each day this week. I'm shooting for 10 minutes and if I can do more then it will be a good day. I'm also shooting to drink at least 64 ounces of water or flavored (sugar-free) water each day. And also to eat three meals each day. Today I'm off to a bad start because I have already "skipped" breakfast.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)