Wednesday, 05/18/11

WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.

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I was doing okay today emotionally up until just a few minutes ago. It's been a physically rough day filled with lots of horrible back spasms/cramps off and on all day long. Hormones seemed to be okay and I didn't feel depressed or anything...until my mom called me.

I didn't answer when she called and just let her leave a message. I didn't want to talk to her unless I had to. Her message was that she needed to talk to me and to call her back. Unfortunately, with everything that's going on with other members of my extended family, and the empty message, I ended up calling her back to make sure it wasn't something that couldn't be ignored. It turns out that she (somehow) just realized that my doctor's appointment wasn't for this (coming up) Friday but had been for last Friday and wanted to know why I didn't call her like I had said I would. Well, I had told both my mom and sister that I would let them know after my appointment if it was a viable pregnancy or not. It's Wednesday evening and this is the first that either one of them has asked. I haven't talked to my sister since last Thursday, but I spoke to my mom on both Saturday and Sunday and she didn't ask. So anyways, I responded to her question with the fact that I didn't call because I didn't want to talk. Thankfully this alone was enough for her to realize it was bad news. I was very short and kind of curt with my answers and thankfully she got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. Well, that and the fact that I told her there's nothing to talk about. I don't want to talk to her about it. She'd never understand the way I feel and so I don't see the point in talking about it with her.

Thankfully all she really said about it was that she was sorry. Thankfully none of the stupid things people say after a loss. And you know we're all guilty of saying something stupid to someone after they've experienced a loss. We've all had that dumb moment. Thankfully, this wasn't one of those. I don't think I could have handled that right now.

I feel a bit conflicted right now. I could tell that my mom wanted to talk to me, but knew not to push it (another thing I'm thankful for). I could also tell that she was sad and (what sounded like) starting to cry. I don't know why but this makes me mad. Like she doesn't have the right to be sad enough to cry. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It's irrational. It's grief. Grief is never rational. So I feel conflicted that I felt irritated that she became sad.

So I was fine up until this phone call. I am an extremely private person and I don't share my vulnerabilities with many, and that includes close family. Hell, I still don't share them with my husband most of the time. It's nothing against him. I love him and I trust him, but that's just not me. This is just the way that I am. I don't put my vulnerabilities out there. I guess that comes from being in two emotionally abusive relationships in my younger years (one with a relative and one with a now former significant other). That's just my best guess though.

So yesterday was a horrible day for me emtionally. My hormones seemed to have gone crazy and I spent the first half of the day crying (or trying not to) for various reasons, and the second half I was moody and irritable at times combined with horrible back aches. I won't go further into how I felt yesterday mainly because at this point it's starting to become blurry.

I will say that I did decide yesterday that I am not going to worry or even think about my weight or journey for now. I'm going to keep an eye on on my weight and as long as I don't start gaining, then I'm not going to worry about any of it right now and just focus on healing the ache in my heart and soul. If I eat, I eat and I don't care if I'm healing with crappy food choices. I'm grieving and I don't care. I'm not letting myself go, but I am letting myself grieve in whatever way works for me. And right now that is by not worrying and obsessing and feeling guilty over everyting I eat or drink (or don't eat or drink). I have bigger things to focus on right now and that is healing.

It's hard for me to grieve and to even rationalize my grief. I am typically a very logic driven person and not an emtionally driven person as most people are. Logic tells me there's no real reason to grieve. I knew that miscarriage was a chance and that was the reason that 1) I waited until later to have a first OB appointment and 2) we didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. Logic also tells me that this time, unlike my last miscarriage, there wasn't actually a fetus to mourn. There never was a baby this time around. I'm mourning the "idea" of the pregnancy versus losing a pregnancy, or so it feels when I think about it. I don't know what hurts worse - the pregnancy that I lost a living fetus that died, or this one because I know that there never was anything developing to lose. Logic seems to be my own worst enemy this time around. Typically I grieve when someone is lost, but my "grief" is very brief. I mourn their loss, but I focus on celebrating their life. How can I mourn someone that never had a life to celebrate? Like I said, logic is not on my side this time and that's what makes this grieving process so much harder for me.

And then there's the feeling that your body has failed you. Any woman who has ever experienced a miscarriage has felt that their body has failed them. They wonder what they could have done better. They second guess everything they've done from the (unknown) moment of conception, and even before. Logically (there it is again) I knew from the moment of the positive pregnancy test that this pregnancy would have to be a miracle to be a viable and successful pregnancy. So for me my range of possible conception date was from March 18th to March 26th. On March 25th I had a pelvic x-ray for my lower back. On March 28th I had a shot of cortisone. On March 29th I started a 16 day dose of prednisone that I finished on April 13th. Between the 29th of March and the time I got the positive pregnancy test I had taken high doses of both tylenol and ibuprofen daily. I got my BFP on the 17th of April. So like I said, I knew the deck was stacked against this pregnancy from the start. That doesn't make me feel any better though.