Monday, 05/16/11

WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.

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I feel okay. I don't feel depressed. I'm just waiting for all of this to be over with. Just hoping that nature will take it's course on it's own. I know that D&C's have become quite routine, but for me, that's the last option. I don't feel that it would be a good choice for me and my body. Like I said, just hoping nature will do it's thing before Friday.

I feel okay emotionally but physically I just don't feel right. I feel blah and still don't want to eat most of the time. The hubs and I are still dealing with fallout from close family members that we entered into a financial arrangement with that was supposed to be mutually beneficial to all parties involved. We're still dealing with the fallout and backlash from this poor decision. Everything should be fine soon, but not for another couple of weeks. I also was told today (in a casual conversation) that apparently I won't be watching my niece here soon because (among other reasons) I'm pregnant. I was so pissed off at the person telling me this that I told him/her that I'm not pregnant, that I had a miscarriage. First time I've spoken those words aloud to anyone and it's the last damn person I would have chosen. I had to fight from telling him/her to take my niece and leave because if I'm not good enough to keep watching her if I have another child, then I don't care to help them out and watch her now. It took all of my will not to shove them out the door. I feel used. I feel like the only reason I'm watching her is because it was convenient and not because they trust or prefer her being with me. I offered to watch her so that her parents could trust who she was with while they were working. I now just feel used. I'm tired of "helping" people out and just ending up feeling used in the end and not appreciated.

So before all this happened this morning, I was off to a good start. I took my vitamins, started drinking my water and had eaten a decent breakfast. After all this stupid crap this morning, I didn't eat lunch and as of right now haven't eaten dinner (7:30pm). I have, however, ate too many Pringles, some more of my mocha thing from DQ and some random chocolate chips here and there.

I really find it ironic that while I'm dissapointed in suffering another miscarriage, that it's this family drama stuff that's upsetting me. The hubs and I have both come to the agreement that we won't be helping any family with anything anytime soon. We're tired of getting used and burned by those we help out. Unfortunately, we can't breathe a sigh of relief until this crap settles (at least on our end of it) for another couple of weeks. For us though (I can't speak for the other parties and their plans), there's finally a secure plan in place and we're not fretting with worry all the time. I can't wait until it stops affecting our day to day life with stress.

By the way, I haven't exercised today, and I think I'm going to wait until after the miscarriage is complete to get moving really. So, no clue when that will be, but probably another week or two for sure. I'll just focus on eating well as much as possible.