Monday, 05/23/11

WARNING: This post is not solely about my weight loss and health journey. This post contains personal information about a personal experience that has affected my journey. There may be information in this post that would be consider "TMI" but it has helped me to heal and move forward with my journey to better health. If you choose to continue to read this post, I would prefer not to hear anything but support (which is what I would prefer all the time). Thank you! (P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy in sharing this experience.) The posts about this experience start on 05/14/11 and end on 06/06/11.

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So I had lots to say the other day (Friday) but didn't have the time to sit down and write it out and now it seems that I'm semi-blank. Don't worry though, give me a minute and it'll all start rolling out of me. Lol.

So Friday I had my follow-up appointment to "confirm" the miscarriage. Personally I don't really feel right calling it a miscarriage at this point. I no longer feel like I lost a pregnancy but more like I feel like my body's betraying me. I don't feel any grief and honestly I thought about going back and editing the posts that I have already written to take out the whole "grieving" parts, but I feel right in doing so, I would be saying that my feelings during that short time weren't valid, when they were. I just don't agree or validate those feelings any longer. I felt that way in the time but I feel completely opposite now. You could say that my "logical" side has kicked in finally. Took a bit longer than normal, but logic is what's driving me. So having said that, logic tells me that there never was a baby growing so there's nothing to grieve over. My first miscarriage was definitely hard because there was a living fetus with a heartbeat that I had seen, that died. This time around, there never was a fetus, so there's no reason to grieve. Like I have said in the past, I don't process things through emotions so much as I do logic and this is normal for me.

I did grieve. I had to. You grieve for the idea of what may have been. But honestly, God has a plan for all of us and we just have to trust that he knows what he's doing and that all will be as it should be in the end. I am not a deeply religious person, but I do have faith. And my faith tells me to trust in Him. And I do. Times like this just prove why you have to. I am a big believer in Fate. We have paths that are layed before us that are affected by choices that we make (or are made for us) and that in the end, it's all as it should be. I'll leave the faith talk at that. So here I am - no longer grieving. I'm not sad when I see pregnant people or babies. I'm okay. I promise.

But I am mad. I'm mad because I feel like my body's failed me. Not in the sense that it didn't successfully grow the baby it should have, but the fact that it can't (or won't) do what it's supposed to. That despite my body starting to bleed and "flush" three days prior, as of Friday it showed no signs of cleansing itself of the embryonic sac. How frustrating is that? I don't feel like a D&C is right for me. I don't. I know it's pretty routine now, but I just don't feel that a procedure that's that invasive to your body (and also the same procedure used in early abortions) is right for me unless it's an absolute last resort, that honestly could be a life or death decision (for me). I refuse to do it unless it's to that point. I know that most people don't/won't agree with this thinking, but it feels absolutely wrong to me. It's not natural (granted a lot of things aren't) but it's more than that. It's the SAME PROCEDURE USED FOR ABORTIONS. This fact alone stirs up the feeling of "this isn't right, don't do it". But it's also more than that. It's the fact that they force your cervix open (if it's not already open) and then proceed. That's another thing that just screams "DON'T DO IT!!!!" to me.

Now don't get me wrong, last night I was wavering on my convictions about this. But more so for the fact of simplifying things. As it stands, I'm supposed to take a prescription for misoprostol tomorrow night. Why tomorrow night and not right away? Well...my OB's practice doesn't use misoprostol, they just automatically do a D&C. My OB even asked if he could prescribe it for me because I was asking for it and knew the risks (excessive bleeding to the point I might need to go to the ER). They said no, they don't do it. My OB realized (without me saying so) that I was basically going to look elsewhere for this option and he decided to compromise with me. He wrote the prescription with the promise that I wouldn't take it until Tuesday night so that if I did have a bad reaction and did end up needing to go to the ER due to excessive bleeding, that he would be the OB on call and would be responsible for me. I have much respect for a doctor that's willing to do what's best for his/her patient even though it goes against what others tell them to do. I knew I liked my OB. :) So following the misoprostol, I have a follow-up ultrasound at the hospital on June 2nd (at the hospital because my OB's office's ultrasound tech will be on vacation for over a week) and then follow up with my OB on the 3rd to check the results to see if my uterus is completely empty. If it's not, then I have to do a D&C because at that point my health will be at stake. I'm okay with this.

So I have mixed feelings. I haven't filled the prescription for the misoprostol yet. I probably should because last time around, my previous OB told me it might be hard to get filled quickly. It wasn't, but it could be. I'm hoping I won't have to take it, but I'm thinking I need to take it to play it "safe". I *think* I may have "flushed" everything out this morning, but it's hard to know. I wasn't going fishing in the toilet to find out. Yup, gross TMI post. Can't say I didn't warn you! So I'm debating with myself as to if I should get the prescription filled and take it tomorrow night. I guess I'll just have to see what feels right. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it.