Same old, same old 11/12/11

Weight's still hanging around the same range (192-194).

Most days I'm still eating fairly well, but I definitely have my "off" days. And yesterday was one of them. Yesterday afternoon and evening I felt like a bottomless pit.

I'm still trying hard to increase my water intake, but some days I fail miserably. Today I'm up to 60 ounces already though. Some days I do well, other days, I end the day and realize I've only had about 20 ounces of fluids. I'm still focusing on this goal of drinking at least 80-100 ounces of water each day.

Despite my best intentions, I'm not exercising, for multiple reasons. One being, I just don't feel like it. The second being, I hurt like crazy most days. I've been having really bad pain with my hips, lower back and tailbone area. Some days I hurt so bad I can barely pick up my son, or even walk hardly. Other days are managable. I hurt every. single. day. Lately, I hurt all day long every day. I try not to take pain meds until I absolutely have to, because I already have take them every night when I go to bed, in hopes that it will tame the pain enough that I can sleep. I try not to take them during the day unless it gets to the point where I hurt so bad that I can't even think and I'm to the point of tears. It's that bad. I'm relunctant to go back to the doctor about it for several reasons. One, it costs money that we just don't have right now. Two, if the try to give me any stronger pain meds, I can't take them. They make me violently sick. And I haven't had any luck in finding a doctor that has offered me hope that hasn't been shattered.

So to put it simply, I haven't given up, but I am slightly detoured for the moment. Just a bump in the road.

10/03/11

As of this morning, my weight's at 194.6 lbs.

I've decided, once again, that baby steps is the way for me to make lasting changes. I've been working on eating breakfast, and a healthy one at that, every day. I've been quite successful. The past month I've had breakfast every day, and a healthy one too. Most days it's a bowl of oatmeal. My son and I will each have a bowl of oatmeal after taking my daughter to school. We look forward to our breakfast after coming back home. It's routine, and we like it. And yesterday, I had an appointment to get to that was an hour after I woke up, but I still made time to eat breakfast - something I wouldn't have done before. Baby steps. One small change at a time. It works.

The next goal that I'm trying to work on now is my water/fluid intake. I'm still nowhere near taking in the water that I need to, on a daily basis. I can't help it - I don't want to live in the bathroom! Lol. I'm struggling on this step, despite having been working hard on improving my intake for the past two weeks. I'm still working on this goal, and will keep working on it until I get much better at reaching my goal.

On another note, my son is now two years old, and has FINALLY started sleeping through the night. On the downside, he no longer naps, and doesn't go to bed until around 10pm every night. Apparently my son doesn't need a lot of sleep. It's crazy. It's frustrating. It's his natural sleep cycle though, and I'm a firm believer that following a person's natural sleep cycle helps them to function better. So both my husband and I are very happy that he's sleeping through the night finally, but we find ourselves tired and hoping our son will go to bed and to sleep so that we can get some sleep ourselves. Sleep is crucial to dealing with daily stresses that can cause you to do things like - not exercise, make poor eating choices, reach for a can of soda even though you know you shouldn't have one, grabbing a brownie because you're having a bad day, etc.

I've been meaning to put this down for a while, but I've come to the conclusion that fat people suffer from "food amnesia". Really, we do. I know that there are many times where if I didn't write it down, I honestly couldn't tell you what I ate, much less if I ate at all. It's crazy how many times I can't remember if I had lunch or not. This is why food journaling is so crucial to being successful, at least for me.

Complications

So this post has been a long time in the thinking. I've had some complications, and run ins, and it's made me rethink my whole posting with honesty here. I've been fighting with myself as to if I should continue this blog, and just how honest I should continue to be with my posts. Long story short, I've concluded that this blog is really for no one but myself, and because of that I will continue to post my honest thoughts, feelings, triumphs and struggles. I ask again, if you're not going to offer support, then please move on and don't bother me. I don't need any negativity, just support.

So on that note, I would like to add that I am an extremely private person. I don't share a lot with people due to my personal history, and also recent experience. In anger or frustration, people will use any little thing that they can against you to hurt you. So I will say again, if you're not reading this to support me or encourage you on your own journey, please move on. This blog is a therapeutic outlet for me to deal with my feelings about my journey. I share deeply personal thoughts on occasion, while other times I just skim the surface.

I'm still on my journey even though I haven't been posting due to a recent experience that had made me hesistant to post my true thoughts and feelings. I will resume actively posting again as of now. This bit of space is all about me, and it helps.

Failing at losing, 09/18/11

Failing at losing, that pretty much sums it up for my progress. Since my miscarraige earlier this year, my hormones have been way out of whack and I've been moody, extremely irritable and depressed. I'm so tired of feeling so blah and unmotivated. I'm tired of being aggravated with my weight, but not caring enough to really do anything to change it. I was doing really well until I found out that I was pregnant and then subsequently miscarried. I wish I could get that motivation back. I wish that so many crappy things didn't happen this year to stress me out. Wishing won't change anything though. Wishing is useless because that's all it is.

Definition of "wish" courtesy of Google:

1.A desire or hope for something to happen
- the union has reiterated its wish for an agreement
- it is their wish to continue organizing similar exhibitions

2.An expression of such a desire, typically in the form of a request or instruction
- she must carry out her late father's wishes

3.An invocation or recitation of a hope or desire
- he makes a wish

4.An expression of a desire for someone's success or good fortune
- they had received kindness and good wishes from total strangers

5.A thing or event that is or has been desired; an object of desire
- the petitioners eventually got their wish

So wishing is useless. Planning and acting on that plan is what will actually change things. So I plan to sit down tomorrow and come up with a long term plan on how I want to change my eating and fitness habits and what my short and long term goals are.

Friday, 09/09/11: Days 2, 3 & 4 Recap

Day 2: Ate well, drank my water, and did the exercise bike for 15 minutes.

Day 3: Ate poorly (pizza buffet is never a good idea), didn't drink hardly any water, took a walk with the family for about 20 minutes.

Day 4: Ate ok (did well for the first half of the day, but dinner was chili cheese dogs, and had too many chocolates), drank my water, haven't done any purposeful movement today. I keep trying to convince myself that I did more than I commited to do yesterday so that HAS to count for not doing any today. I know that it's a bunch of bull, but I can't convince myself to get moving.

09/06/11, Day 1 Recap

I drank my all my water. Yay!

I ate fairly well. Oatmeal for breakfast. Two hot dogs w/some veggie straws for lunch. Freezer pop for a snack (with my son). Dinner was (home cooked)) rotisserie chicken, green beans, cooked cauliflower and some baked beans. Dessert was a bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups.

I didn't get my purposeful movement in at all. I felt bad that I didn't, but honestly, I didn't really care either.

Sidenote: Comment posting issues

Just to put this out there, I'm having major issues commenting on most blogger/blogspot blogs right now. It keeps telling me something along the line of "you're not authorized to view this page, please log out and log into another account". Anybody have any ideas on what in the world is wrong? I can finally post response comments on my own blog, but I had to change the comment form to open in a new page first before I was able to.