Starting Over. Again. (TMI post)

Yup, that about sums it up. It's time for me to start this process all over again. In my defense, I have a really good reason this time though. I have a beautiful 9 week old daughter to show for it. My pregnancy sucked. Horrible nausea (but not hyperemisis like I had with my first pregnancy), up until month 4 or so, with repeat bouts of it throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. Around month 5 or so, I started having horrible pelvic pains (symphis pubic dysfunction) that kept me from doing much. I had such a strong desire to do something, anything, but instead I was sitting on the couch most of the time because it hurt the least. I literally felt like my pelvis was going to break in half any time I was on my feet for more than 2-3 minutes. Lying down was a nightmare. I'm amazed that I was able to sleep at all because of the pain. I could barely get out of bed, much less roll over without practically crying in pain. All of that for several months. I had read that my symptoms might ease after delivering my daughter, but I had also read that I could be stuck with them for a while. I will say that I was blessed with the fact that by the time I went home from the hospital (2 days after delivering), my symptoms of the pubic symphis dysfuction had practically dissapeared. I had one of the easiest deliveries this time around. No complications, no stitches. The only issue was that during the last two hours of labor, my daughter's heartrate kept dropping with each contraction. To the point of it being a bit scary. My OB and nurse never mentioned it, but I know that if it had gone on much longer, they would have become worried. When the baby was born, we knew why her heart rate dropping with each contraction - she had a double nuchal cord (umbilical cord wrapped around the neck twice). Thankfully she's perfectly healthy. So back to my recovery. I felt great after delivery. I wasn't sick like I was after having my son (I threw up for several hours after delivering him). And I didn't have any stitches this time around (I had stitches for different reasons for both of my previous deliveries). I was beyond ecstactic about not having to deal with that. I did however, have to deal with my prolapse again. :( Nothing that I wasn't expecting though. I went home perfectly happy and physically well two days after delivery. My daughter had no issues either. About a week after delivery, I had a strange thing happen. I couldn't lift my legs more than an inch off of the ground without wanting to cry in pain. I couldn't sit down without feeling like I was crushing my insides. It was very odd. I went back to the OB to have it checked out for possible complications. None were found by physical examination and also by ultrasound. I was put on heavy duty antibiotics for a course of treatment as a precaution though. The issues went away, and I felt great again. No futher issues for me. :) My daughter has a shallow latch (for breastfeeding), so that's been our only issue. I've never been able to correct it, even with using a nipple shield. She does nurse, but not great. My milk supply hasn't been great though, and having to pump and dump my milk for a week, didn't help. I've been pumping for her since day 2 of life. It sucks. I spend most every free moment attached to the breastpump. It has had a permanent spot on the couch next to where I sit the most. I've also been taking several supplements to help with my milk supply. I've seen some improvement, but not a whole lot. I've decided to wean off of the breast pump and go with formula. For my sanity, and my health also. I'm not doing my children any good by being unavailable most of the time. It's a tough decision, but I've been weighing it for a while now, and finally feel secure in my decision to quit. It's tough, but it's the right choice for me in this moment in my life. So, with all of that being said, I'm preparing to start back on my journey to get healthier, again. I have lost all of my pregnancy weight (which was not a lot). I'm back in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I just don't like how they fit. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. It's time to wake up and get busy again. So, I'm going to tackle this slowly and in baby steps. Step 1: Drink more water. - I'm doing okay on low-cal fluids most days (had to be for breastfeeding/pumping), but need to focus more on plain water. Step 2: Ditch the soda. - I'm doing fairly well on this one. I haven't bought any soda in a while, and I no longer crave it. I do drink it once in a while when we eat out, though. I'm okay with this as long as I don't start craving it again. Step 3: Start getting in some purposeful movement each day. - I plan to start taking short walks with the kids each day until the weather gets too cold. After that point, I might just go to the local mall and walk around indoors to get some movement in. I have to see how the baby does with this though, since she hates being in her infant car seat, and she hates to lay flat. So I'll have to see how she does with taking walks. Worst case scenario, I take the stroller, and end up wearing the baby in a RS (ring sling) or a SSC (soft structured carrier) that's good for the (baby's) hips. Step 4: Eat a more balanced diet. - I do okay with this one, but I've been eating too many sweets. I need to stop buying cookies and other junk, and keep more fresh fruits and veggies in the house. I also need to plan better foods for lunch, and watch my portion control at dinner. Weight: I didn't weigh myself the past couple of days, but the weight has been hanging steady at 195ish. So I'll round up and say 196.0 for now. My weight day will probably be on Monday or Wednesday. I like the idea of Wednesday better, but my head is telling me that "I can't start the week on Wednesday". Lol. So, I'm shooting for Wednesday, but if I switch to Monday, don't be surprised.

Same old, same old 11/12/11

Weight's still hanging around the same range (192-194).

Most days I'm still eating fairly well, but I definitely have my "off" days. And yesterday was one of them. Yesterday afternoon and evening I felt like a bottomless pit.

I'm still trying hard to increase my water intake, but some days I fail miserably. Today I'm up to 60 ounces already though. Some days I do well, other days, I end the day and realize I've only had about 20 ounces of fluids. I'm still focusing on this goal of drinking at least 80-100 ounces of water each day.

Despite my best intentions, I'm not exercising, for multiple reasons. One being, I just don't feel like it. The second being, I hurt like crazy most days. I've been having really bad pain with my hips, lower back and tailbone area. Some days I hurt so bad I can barely pick up my son, or even walk hardly. Other days are managable. I hurt every. single. day. Lately, I hurt all day long every day. I try not to take pain meds until I absolutely have to, because I already have take them every night when I go to bed, in hopes that it will tame the pain enough that I can sleep. I try not to take them during the day unless it gets to the point where I hurt so bad that I can't even think and I'm to the point of tears. It's that bad. I'm relunctant to go back to the doctor about it for several reasons. One, it costs money that we just don't have right now. Two, if the try to give me any stronger pain meds, I can't take them. They make me violently sick. And I haven't had any luck in finding a doctor that has offered me hope that hasn't been shattered.

So to put it simply, I haven't given up, but I am slightly detoured for the moment. Just a bump in the road.

10/03/11

As of this morning, my weight's at 194.6 lbs.

I've decided, once again, that baby steps is the way for me to make lasting changes. I've been working on eating breakfast, and a healthy one at that, every day. I've been quite successful. The past month I've had breakfast every day, and a healthy one too. Most days it's a bowl of oatmeal. My son and I will each have a bowl of oatmeal after taking my daughter to school. We look forward to our breakfast after coming back home. It's routine, and we like it. And yesterday, I had an appointment to get to that was an hour after I woke up, but I still made time to eat breakfast - something I wouldn't have done before. Baby steps. One small change at a time. It works.

The next goal that I'm trying to work on now is my water/fluid intake. I'm still nowhere near taking in the water that I need to, on a daily basis. I can't help it - I don't want to live in the bathroom! Lol. I'm struggling on this step, despite having been working hard on improving my intake for the past two weeks. I'm still working on this goal, and will keep working on it until I get much better at reaching my goal.

On another note, my son is now two years old, and has FINALLY started sleeping through the night. On the downside, he no longer naps, and doesn't go to bed until around 10pm every night. Apparently my son doesn't need a lot of sleep. It's crazy. It's frustrating. It's his natural sleep cycle though, and I'm a firm believer that following a person's natural sleep cycle helps them to function better. So both my husband and I are very happy that he's sleeping through the night finally, but we find ourselves tired and hoping our son will go to bed and to sleep so that we can get some sleep ourselves. Sleep is crucial to dealing with daily stresses that can cause you to do things like - not exercise, make poor eating choices, reach for a can of soda even though you know you shouldn't have one, grabbing a brownie because you're having a bad day, etc.

I've been meaning to put this down for a while, but I've come to the conclusion that fat people suffer from "food amnesia". Really, we do. I know that there are many times where if I didn't write it down, I honestly couldn't tell you what I ate, much less if I ate at all. It's crazy how many times I can't remember if I had lunch or not. This is why food journaling is so crucial to being successful, at least for me.

Complications

So this post has been a long time in the thinking. I've had some complications, and run ins, and it's made me rethink my whole posting with honesty here. I've been fighting with myself as to if I should continue this blog, and just how honest I should continue to be with my posts. Long story short, I've concluded that this blog is really for no one but myself, and because of that I will continue to post my honest thoughts, feelings, triumphs and struggles. I ask again, if you're not going to offer support, then please move on and don't bother me. I don't need any negativity, just support.

So on that note, I would like to add that I am an extremely private person. I don't share a lot with people due to my personal history, and also recent experience. In anger or frustration, people will use any little thing that they can against you to hurt you. So I will say again, if you're not reading this to support me or encourage you on your own journey, please move on. This blog is a therapeutic outlet for me to deal with my feelings about my journey. I share deeply personal thoughts on occasion, while other times I just skim the surface.

I'm still on my journey even though I haven't been posting due to a recent experience that had made me hesistant to post my true thoughts and feelings. I will resume actively posting again as of now. This bit of space is all about me, and it helps.

Failing at losing, 09/18/11

Failing at losing, that pretty much sums it up for my progress. Since my miscarraige earlier this year, my hormones have been way out of whack and I've been moody, extremely irritable and depressed. I'm so tired of feeling so blah and unmotivated. I'm tired of being aggravated with my weight, but not caring enough to really do anything to change it. I was doing really well until I found out that I was pregnant and then subsequently miscarried. I wish I could get that motivation back. I wish that so many crappy things didn't happen this year to stress me out. Wishing won't change anything though. Wishing is useless because that's all it is.

Definition of "wish" courtesy of Google:

1.A desire or hope for something to happen
- the union has reiterated its wish for an agreement
- it is their wish to continue organizing similar exhibitions

2.An expression of such a desire, typically in the form of a request or instruction
- she must carry out her late father's wishes

3.An invocation or recitation of a hope or desire
- he makes a wish

4.An expression of a desire for someone's success or good fortune
- they had received kindness and good wishes from total strangers

5.A thing or event that is or has been desired; an object of desire
- the petitioners eventually got their wish

So wishing is useless. Planning and acting on that plan is what will actually change things. So I plan to sit down tomorrow and come up with a long term plan on how I want to change my eating and fitness habits and what my short and long term goals are.

Friday, 09/09/11: Days 2, 3 & 4 Recap

Day 2: Ate well, drank my water, and did the exercise bike for 15 minutes.

Day 3: Ate poorly (pizza buffet is never a good idea), didn't drink hardly any water, took a walk with the family for about 20 minutes.

Day 4: Ate ok (did well for the first half of the day, but dinner was chili cheese dogs, and had too many chocolates), drank my water, haven't done any purposeful movement today. I keep trying to convince myself that I did more than I commited to do yesterday so that HAS to count for not doing any today. I know that it's a bunch of bull, but I can't convince myself to get moving.

09/06/11, Day 1 Recap

I drank my all my water. Yay!

I ate fairly well. Oatmeal for breakfast. Two hot dogs w/some veggie straws for lunch. Freezer pop for a snack (with my son). Dinner was (home cooked)) rotisserie chicken, green beans, cooked cauliflower and some baked beans. Dessert was a bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups.

I didn't get my purposeful movement in at all. I felt bad that I didn't, but honestly, I didn't really care either.