FAIL!!!

Ok, so I obviously had good intentions 14 months ago to start working towards becoming healthier, but I failed big time. Yes, I FAILED! Not only didn't I start exercising, but I kept eating poorly, and also GAINED weight! How depressing. Seriously, it's depressing. I'm at my absolute highest weight now and it sucks. I keep reminding myself that it could be worse, and that there are people who are larger than me, but who am I kidding but myself. I'm unhealthy and it sucks.

I've had a lot of...struggles since my last child was born. He was diagnosed as FTT (failure to thrive) around 2 weeks old and had to be admitted to our local children's hospital for several days. Before being admitted to the hospital, we were either at the doctor's office, on the phone with the doctor, or at the hospital having tests run. It was tough. We (my husband and I) ate poorly if at all. The day they sent us to the hospital to have my little tiny baby boy admitted to the hospital because at around 2 weeks old he weighed less than at birth and was not gaining weight, I cried when I actually saw on the admitting papers that he was diagnosed as failure to thrive. We were very lucky and our boy immediately improved on a new formula (we'd already been through about 10 different types of formula prior to the hospital admittance, with the last one actually being part of the reason he got so bad off that he had to be admitted), IV fluids, and lots of tracking every drop in and out. He spent less than a week in the hospital (only 3 or 4 days, I believe) before being discharged. Things definitely improved after our boy was changed to a special (and very expensive) formula for milk protein intolerance. He also apparently had a severe soy protein intolerance (he spent the last several days before the hospital stay, on soy formula). After coming back home, he vastly improved, but in order for him to keep his formula down, he was on medication for reflux and had to have a ton of rice cereal in his bottle to help thicken it up. He still would spit up constantly for a while. Stressfull and messy.

Over the past 14 months, I've also slipped and fallen down two different flights of stairs (in our current house we're renting, and in our previous home). I would say that I've been kind of lucky when I've slipped and fallen, but at the same time, not really. The last time I slipped on the stairs in our old home, I was only two steps from the bottom, but fell hard and I believe I broke my tailbone. I say that I believe I did, because I never went to the doctor. It happened in the late evening, and my husband, who is military, was away for 6 months, only to be home for Christmas. I should have gone to the doctor, but taking an infant and an older child to the ER wasn't really an option, and I didn't have any one to call on at the time. I hurt for weeks after that. I still hurt around my tailbone area, and often get a pinched nerve that makes my hips hurt so bad. The last time I slipped on the stairs, was just about three months ago. I slipped and my toes rolled on my left foot. I again, didn't go to the doctor because it was really late at night, and it would mean pulling the baby out of bed to go to the hospital. I believe I broke my big toe because my foot still hurts. Yes, I know I need to go to the doctor to have these checked out. Problem is, that I really don't have a good doctor to go to for these things. I have great insurance, but keep finding crappy doctors. These injuries have made it extremely difficult to get motivated to exercise, when your body hurts and is practically screaming at you.

I have found that since having my little guy, that life is completely different than it has ever been. I'm having a harder time eating right, and even remembering to eat breakfast. And when I have any down time, I find that I just want to veg instead of doing what I need to do and what I should do. I don't even want to do housework. I find that I've gotten rather lazy, or at least that's how it feels, since my little guy came along.

I'm frustrated and unhappy. I'm working on these things.

I'm working on trying to figure out a basic meal plan that will work for me. My old methods aren't working this time around. I'm finding that if I'm not pigging out on junk food and going overboard, then I'm not eating enough. In order to be in "weight loss mode" I need to take in around 1600-1800 calories per day. Yes, that's high for a low activity person. I've done the math, and tracked what works for me, and what doesn't. Anything below 1600 and I don't lose weight. I burn anywhere from 2200 calories and up just being a lazy bum and sitting on my duff most days. How do I know this? I use a bodybugg.

I love my bodybugg. I love (and hate) my bathroom scale. These are my main tools for success and tracking. I will proudly wear my bodybugg every day (and night) if it helps keep me on track. I weigh myself every morning when I get up, to keep me informed of how I'm doing. My weight fluctuates daily just like everyone else's. If I know what my "range" is and I'm ok with that. Now I just need to work towards a new range.

I pledge to work toward becoming a healthier and happier person and therefore a healthier and happier mom and wife. My highest, and starting weight this time around is 207 lbs. I'm hoping that once I start losing that I'll never see a 2 in front of my weight again.