200.6

I'm having a bad day again. A bad day mentally. I know that it doesn't help that last night, and then again today I've come across blogs of two separate families that have tragically lost a child recently. One was lost to an in-home accident that I can honestly see happening with my son. And that scares me. The other poor child was only 4 months old and just stopped breathing. It breaks my heart that these families have to go through something so tragic and heartbreaking. I worry about my kids like any parent does. But since my son took so long to conceive, and was my rainbow baby (first successful pregnancy following a miscarraige), I've become even more worried about the "what-ifs" in life. My son, if my husband and myself hadn't been so attentive to him, could have passed away several times during the night. He had a severe milk and soy allergy and was on some really expensive special formula, medications and a LOT of rice cereal added to his bottles. He still would get sick violently and randomly. There were several times during the night that he would get sick in his crib (while sleeping on his back, since it's "safer"), and if we didn't hear him he could have choked to death. There were many nights where he slept (carefully) in our bed so that we could sleep, and make sure he would still be alive in the morning. If he napped too long, I would get paranoid and go check on him to make sure he's still breathing. He slept propped up. He slept on his side. He slept in a special bassinet that kept him in a sitting position next to my bed, only an arm's length away. Without all of these things, we might have lost him at some point during his first year of life. So reading about the grief that these parents are having to go through right now hits me really hard. If we hadn't been so diligent, that might have been us. Now don't get me wrong when I say that. I am not in any way saying that these parents weren't diligent in the care of their children. Accidents happen. And that's what scares me so much. Anything can happen at any time. I have a new found fear of cars and children. I have always been careful and diligent about the safety of children in and around cars. But this past year I have become much more aware of just how often children die in or because of cars. Too many children are left in cars, or get "trapped" in cars and die from exposure. Too many children are run over or backed over by vehicles. Most often by someone who loves them the most. Mom, dad, babysitter, grandparent, etc. Life is scary. The thought of losing your child before they even really get a chance to live is TERRIFYING.

So like I said, my mentality is not great today. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm heartbroken. And I'm even more aware of just how scary everything in and around my child can be. So today, I'm just enjoying playing with my son and niece. My son is a climber. We can't keep him off of the stairs. We can't keep him from climbing up on his table and chairs. He's a climber and we know it. So to give him a safer thing to climb, he has a little slide in the house and it's been there for months now. We do what we can to keep our kids safe, but sometimes accidents happen and that terrifies me.

Eating was ok for the most part today. I had my meal replacement shake for breakfast. Apples for a snack that I shared with the kids. Lunch was hot dogs again. Followed later on by some veggie chips and the rest of the lite french onion dip. I also had a snack bar that is kind of like a snickers. It was 130 calories. I felt like I could have eaten everything in the house today. If you're a woman, you know what that means. Lol. I've had a bunch of hard candies today, more than my usual 5 or less, so more than 100 calories worth. Also a few pieces of gum. Considering the alternative, it could have been much worse because like I said, I could have eaten everything in the house today because I felt like I was starving all day long. Dinner was some sweet 'n' sour pork chops. (I gave the recipe to my friend Pam, and after trying it, she also declared it a winner and posted it on her new blog to share yummy recipes.) I served it with 1/2 cup mac & cheese and 1 cup green beans.

No exercise for me today between feeling down, the kiddos being crazy, my daughter's school performance and I also rolled my ankle in the late afternoon. I think I sprained it. It doesn't feel like anything is broken, but it hurts. I did drink some water today, and a bunch of sugar-free drink mix. Getting back in the grove of things, just slowly.